Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you suck.

Been a while!

2012-01-23T13:08:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know. It's been a bit, hasn't it? I say that a lot. I haven't been active on blogger in months. Part of it is just, well, I hate to say this lest I sound like a bitch, but...lack of an audience. I literally have five followers on here. And, I mean, I was just doing this to entertain myself, so that shouldn't matter, but sometimes talking to yourself just feels pathetic.

Still. My passion for horrible clowns and weird religious crap hasn't waned a bit, so...why stop now, right? Besides, when I'm not writing here, I forget to read all the amazing blogs I follow, and that's just sad.

In other news, the Virgin Mary appeared on a turtle. She sure likes to keep things interesting.

And a Yorkie of the Lord appeared to her

2011-12-01T12:48:00.000-05:00

'tis the season for weird angel shit, but...really?!

I can tell by some of the pixels and from having seen a few 'shops in my day

2011-10-09T01:55:00.000-04:00

...doesn't make it any less hilarious, though.

Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!

2011-10-02T10:00:00.001-04:00

I loved him more when he was a likeable, nuanced character, but that holds true for everyone on that show...this mug is still cute though.

But not as awesome as this.

2011-09-29T08:58:00.000-04:00

You know what's awesome? THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK.

Keep your wimpy God of peace - mine wants MORE FIREPOWER

2011-09-27T04:39:00.002-04:00

I always find the blend of religion and patriotism to be a bit on the strange side - but this borders on downright creepy. Something about it just screams "brainwashing" to me.

(And yes, I'm familiar with the verse in Ephesians ch. 5 about being a soldier of God, wearing the armor of God, etc. But I don't think the US Military was what the Good Book had in mind. In fact, that part of the Bible is all about walking in love.)

The definitive answer to WWJD?

2011-09-26T18:37:00.000-04:00

For when your prayers aren't being answered clearly enough.

200th post!

2011-09-13T16:36:00.001-04:00

I'm still not sure anyone actually reads this, but...who cares, it's fun.

Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair it is a disgrace for him - 1 Cor 11:14

2011-09-09T19:48:00.001-04:00

Why so sad, Jesus? You're having an awesome hair day!

Oh, I see your problem. I'm sure first Corinthians doesn't apply to you!

Strike out Satan!

2011-09-08T13:35:00.001-04:00

I don't know; I'm just trying to think of a way that a baseball cake relates to a baptism.

Sums it up.

2011-09-05T15:58:00.000-04:00

The New Testament, anyway. It's less suitable if you include the Old Testament in there. God's a pretty big dick in there Himself.

I'm here!

2011-08-23T16:49:00.000-04:00

Is anyone still out there? I hope y'all are having a great summer. I haven't been around much; been recovering from a cancer scare and an accompanying surgery. Thankfully, no cancer was found. Unfortunately, I still feel pretty craptacular. Hopefully that will improve.

But enough about me. You're here for weird, creepy Jesii.

Hope you like this one!

Thanks, but I think I have it figured out.

2011-06-13T12:20:00.000-04:00

It's all the sodomy, right?

With a name like that, he's GOT to be good.

2011-06-11T06:19:00.002-04:00

I've never heard of this Estus Pirkle fellow, but damn, that's a bitch of a name. Maybe that's why he was such a grouch. According to wikipedia, the fellow has been quoted as saying "Dancing, the front door to adultery!" He passed away in 2005; gotta admit I wonder what The Big Guy said to him...

Is anyone still out there?

2011-06-09T03:31:00.003-04:00

Sorry I've not been around much these days. I'm still collecting pictures for these blogs but somehow I can't get off my ass and post. Real life is a pain right now but I still appreciate all both of my readers very much :)

I swiped this from an episode of American Dad! which recently did a little throwaway bit about the school principal making cutting edge belt buckles as a side business. I can't swear to it, but I'd bet good money on it being a shoutout to this WTF-inducing image:

Apparently Tweety Bird is a devout Christian. Who knew?

I guess He slept through His alarm.

2011-05-22T12:18:00.001-04:00

It's true. They do kick ass.

2011-05-17T06:41:00.002-04:00

My wonderful mother, knowing my taste in religious WTFery, got this for me at the thrift:

I'm not Jewish, but I am a fan. I agree with the sentiment.

Jesus doesn't want your secondhand smoke, bitches.

2011-05-11T05:30:00.001-04:00

Though this does make me wonder why He's lent his image to an ashtray if he hates it so much...

I'd cry too.

2011-05-08T06:45:00.000-04:00

No wonder Jesus looks so sad. This tattoo is just pitiful.

How they really choose a new Pope

2011-04-30T01:08:00.001-04:00

both of these made by Television Without Pity user fukuisan.

I hope everyone had a great Easter!

2011-04-25T20:47:00.001-04:00

No merch today, but I love how this person managed to combine the Pagan, Christian, and egg-laying bunny aspects of the holiday all on one front lawn!

Also, my grandmother had those same inflatable bunnies. They smelled weird and I always felt a weird compulsion to chew on their ears.

Happy pre-Easter!

2011-04-23T18:40:00.002-04:00

I'm still here. Though I don't think anyone out there is :P

Day before Easter, so this isn't QUITE timely, but still pretty epic.

And here I can't even make a poodle out of a balloon.

Anyone else hear that game over music?

2011-03-21T17:41:00.002-04:00

(I am of course talking about this music:

which is permanently engraved on the surfaces of the brains of everyone born in the 80s.)

So how's your Lent going?

2011-03-16T04:14:00.000-04:00

Hopefully you've picked a discipline you can stick to better than this person has...

One in the praying hand is worth two in the...

2011-03-12T06:27:00.001-05:00

surely I'm not the only one who sees something dirty here.

Wow, Jesus is STACKED!

2011-03-10T00:34:00.000-05:00

I can't tell if this is a bad tattoo or if Jesus was intentionally given breasts. Either way, I can't say I'm a fan of this tattoo.

It's Ash Wednesday!

2011-03-09T02:25:00.003-05:00

No, I don't have anything to tie in with that concept. Just, you know. Hope y'all have fun getting soot smeared on your faces, those of you who are into that sorta thing. I've actually been thinking about attending services again, but trying to find a gay-friendly Catholic church is kind of a bitch. But none of you care about my existential crises; let's look at some Jesii.

In all honesty, I don't know for sure that this is supposed to be Jesus. But if not, the resemblance is uncanny.

Praise the Lord and pass the ammo!

2011-03-07T14:19:00.000-05:00

What would Jesus shoot?

Hail Saten, lord of all thagings unholy!

2011-03-04T13:57:00.001-05:00

Sounds like Rebekkah has already found an airtight excuse for her future misdeeds. Well done, kid. Well done.

All Deer Go to Heaven

2011-02-28T15:19:00.001-05:00

I'm not 100% sure that's an angel, not a fairy, but the wings are feathery and they appear to be in some kind of cloudy land.

Jesus ruffs me, this I know

2011-02-25T14:20:00.002-05:00

I deeply, deeply regret not getting this for my friend's dog:

Now I can't find one anywhere. Nothing like life's little regrets.

I find this comic hole-ier than thou, personally.

2011-02-19T03:16:00.001-05:00

I'm short on merch today, so enjoy this Cyanide and Happiness strip.

Happy belated Valentine's!

2011-02-15T06:06:00.003-05:00

I hope everyone had a great 14th! It may be a stupid fake holiday, but it's named after a saint so it's tangentially relevant to this blog, right?

This also ties in as my Vday gift to my beautiful Christian herpetologist girlfriend:

You may think I'm being facetious, but no. She loves Jesus and lizards. Why this necklace exists is truly a mystery to me, but I'm glad it does - she seemed to like it, anyway.

Beam me up, Jesus

2011-02-13T22:39:00.001-05:00

Swiped from my new favorite site, Why Did You Buy Me That?, which chronicles peoples' "favorite" horrible gifts. You may be saying, "But it's the thought that counts!" but sometimes the thought seems to be "I secretly and passive-aggressively hate you."

I will admit, though, I kind of like this Jesus hologram night light.

This logo delights me.

2011-02-12T22:42:00.001-05:00

Not because Jesus died for my sins. Because if they're making these shirts it means that they do in fact still make Yoo-Hoo. I haven't had that stuff in 20 years but now I'm on a mission to find some.

Is Sad Keanu still a meme?

2011-02-10T01:01:00.000-05:00

I'm probably too late for this to be funny, but it still makes me giggle. Cheer up, Keanu. Jesus loves you!

They had to amputate after the crucifixion

2011-02-06T15:35:00.002-05:00

Poor Jesus. Even with the resurrection, God couldn't repair the horrible damage to His legs and hands.

An epic crossover

2011-01-29T15:48:00.002-05:00

I'm particularly fond of this one because it reminds me of that chapter in one of the Ramona books where Ramona tells off a bunch of kids for taking the Lord's name in vain after they call her sister "Jesus Beezus." Which for some reason was hugely upsetting to her. Never quite understood 1) why that was so horrible, and 2) how it took until she was a teenager before someone came up with that. But the Ramona books were awesome. (I'm assuming the movie is less so. I'm really just happier not knowing.)

In the name of the father, the son and the holy goat.

2011-01-25T08:21:00.002-05:00

Okay, that was silly. But so is this. A pet baptism kit!

I thought all dogs went to Heaven anyway.

So much better than communion wafers.

2011-01-23T20:04:00.001-05:00

But not quite as good as actual Pez. Still, I like crackers.

Be vewy vewy quiet - I'm hunting Jesus!

2011-01-20T21:06:00.001-05:00

This book cover is unremarkable except the kid looks exactly like a young Elmer Fudd. To me anyway. Do you see it?

"May the force be with you." "And also with you."

2011-01-17T07:46:00.000-05:00

Proverbs 13:11

2011-01-12T23:38:00.001-05:00

Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow.

Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless. Ecclesiastes 5:10

Sweet zombie Jesus!

2011-01-11T20:51:00.001-05:00

Salvation and braaaaains...salvation and braaaaaains...

Jesus wasn't the only one who rose from the dead.

2011-01-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

But poor Mary came back as a zombie.

What kind of love is she making?!

2011-01-06T00:19:00.001-05:00

I'll go out on a limb and say it's not doggy-style. (Or maybe it is.)

iDon't get it.

2011-01-05T00:40:00.002-05:00

A nearly life-sized Jesus wall decal. A Jesus-listening-to-an-iPod wall decal? Why would anyone want this???

Do you think he's listening to that song from Life of Brian?

Always look on the bright side of life...

Happy 2011!

2011-01-03T17:26:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone has a blessed 2011!

Maybe these magnets will help me with that ever-present "lose weight" resolution! Maybe, but probably not.

A little girl's blasphemy is the best retelling of the Greatest Story Ever Told in the history of the world - and it's about Jesus, so I can share it!

2010-12-29T04:24:00.002-05:00

Okay, since Allie has 2,000 readers and I have 2, I'm sure I'm not bringing anything new to you when I direct you to Hyperbole and a Half's latest story, "The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas," in which a young Allie commits several different kinds of blasphemy while reenacting the birth of Jesus. Nonetheless, I'm linking you to it on the off-chance you haven't seen it:

Hyperbole and a Half: The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas

HaaH is possibly the funniest blog I have ever read. When I read her entries, I don't just laugh out loud. I throw my head back, cackle, lose my breath, cease to be able to inhale, worry that I'm going to die, manage to breathe, continue cycle until I'm literally sobbing and crying with laughter. It's funny, is what I'm saying. And I finally have a reason to link back to her.

Nothing says "festive" like a horrible, agonizing death!

2010-12-29T00:19:00.002-05:00

I hope those of you who celebrate it had a great Christmas - and I hope the 25th was great for everyone else too!

This just makes me so confused. A cross made of nails, okay. But to put a festive holiday wreath on it? I guess it's supposed to be a reminder of what the season is really about, but it really comes off as tacky and crass. (Also, isn't Easter the one that's about his death? Christmas about the birth? Or all they all combined now?)

I still exist

2010-12-20T22:47:00.003-05:00

This time of year sucks for me; first Christmas without my dad and all that. I'm having a hard time finding motivation to post.

This "art" perfectly sums up how I feel right now: dull, uninspired and unbearably, failtastically pretentious .

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

2010-12-06T23:51:00.001-05:00

Three conjoined carolers with a giant scary-eyed angel
Two hugging Eskimo angels
And an angel with gigantism raping a tree!

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

2010-12-03T02:56:00.001-05:00

Two hugging Eskimo angels
And an angel with gigantism raping a tree!

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

2010-12-01T04:43:00.002-05:00

An angel with gigantism raping a tree!

With the Xmas season closing in, it seems like a good time to start posting some of the weird angel crap floating around out there. And you thought the Jesii were weird...y'all don't know the half of it.

La Princess

2010-11-23T13:38:00.002-05:00

There's nothing unusally hideous about this piece, I just don't get the fashionable style and pink princess motif coupled with a verse about God. The combination just doesn't seem to mesh.

You don't win friends with salad.

2010-11-22T05:35:00.000-05:00

Unless, I guess, that friend is Jesus.

Mmm, sacrelicious

2010-11-19T16:55:00.001-05:00

I love how resigned cake Jesus head looks. "I know, I know. Just cut me open and eat me already."

So much for thou shalt not.

2010-11-15T21:38:00.002-05:00

Yeah, these are mugshots. Sadly I have no idea what they were arrested for, but I kind of hope it was theft. God's so gonna punish them, Old Testament style!

Yay Jesus! Oh, we like you too.

2010-11-14T01:36:00.002-05:00

The best explanation I can come up with for this cake is that Erin's birthday is on Christmas. It must suck, sharing your birthday with Jesus. You'll always be overlooked.

Or maybe the parents were the sort to think that Jesus realllly wanted them to have a kid, but it took ages for them to conceive as some sort of test, and since they wanted it badly enough and prayed hard enough, Jesus gave the sperm a little extra push for them. Nine months later, Erin. But I hope not, because I find those people moderately annoying. I'm not saying there's no God and there's no greater plan (nor am I saying that there ARE those things), just that I really have a hard time getting behind the "Jesus answers your prayers IF HE LIKES YOU ENOUGH." But then, as my dad used to say, these people don't have God; they have Santa Claus on a cross.

So just sin as much as you want...pray enough and it'll be like it never happened!

2010-11-10T16:26:00.001-05:00

I have wanted one of these erasers for the longest time, but haven't been able to find one. Which sucks. Because they're awesome. Awesome like Jesus.

That's about 3 dollars too expensive.

2010-11-09T18:36:00.001-05:00

I mean, it would be cute if your kid brought this home from VBS and said it was for the tree come Christmas. But a grown-ass adult selling this crap?? It's just pitiful.

I hope everyone had a great Halloween!

2010-11-08T14:16:00.002-05:00

I suppose this could have been timelier, but. It's still weird. Also, this "prayer" seems a LOT more like a Pagan ritual than a Christian one.

Nuts for Christ!

2010-11-02T19:06:00.002-04:00

I've never quite understood the trend of Christmas wreaths made out of miscellany. I've only seen one I thought was cute, and this ain't it.

(The nice one I saw was a friend's; she made it out of horse show ribbons. Wish I had a picture of that as an antidote to this thing, which looks like a pile of fossilized reindeer crap.)

Baby's first choking hazard/

2010-10-23T01:44:00.001-04:00

I have no idea how big those beads are, but really, how young can they be if they can say the rosary?

(Yeah, I haven't been by in ages. Real life keeps getting in the way. Did you know that cramming an entire house into a few dozen cardboard cartons is hard? IT IS.)

Say Jeeze!

2010-10-04T00:20:00.002-04:00

Apparently it's a disposable camera. When the pictures are printed, you get a bonus Bible verse on the print. I have no idea how they do that kind of sorcery, and knowing would probably take the magic out of it anyway. I do, however, wonder how many drunk college freshmen have used these to take pictures of their wangs.

Tickled pink.

2010-09-25T15:11:00.002-04:00

Keeping this brief because, as I said on the clown blog, I burned myself microwaving lunch (yes, it's possible) and typing is no fun right now. So this one will be short.

Yes, that's a bellybutton ring. Class-ay.

Pray the gay away

2010-09-20T23:06:00.002-04:00

Sooooo. Yeah. There's no delicate way to put this. These books piss me right the fuck off. (Yet part of me really, really wants to read them.)

(Or as I like to call it, Homo No Mo'.)

Because nothing says "hetero" like two guys struggling to hold hands.

Because everyone wants you butting in on their fucking business. I'm pretty sure I'd be filing a restraining order against anyone who came to my door trying to heal me of gay.

Beautiful christening cake.

2010-09-19T03:04:00.002-04:00

Usually I post weird or funny things, but once in a while something truly beautiful pops up. I can't imagine eating this; it's too pretty! And it's all done by hand!

Ye are the falt of the earth and fainted.

2010-09-12T20:44:00.002-04:00

I haven't the energy to go through another rack of flair, so I present to you macaroni art Jesus:

For those of you who don't recognize it, it's a still from an episode of The Vicar of Dibley,which is a friggin' brilliant show I highly recommend all three of you check out if you're not already familiar with it.

A break from your regularly scheduled flair.

2010-09-08T13:11:00.003-04:00

I've been sitting on this one for almost a month, because, you know, real life, and then the flair bender, but it's too good to keep waiting in the wings. A big thanks to sender-inner Shannon for spotting this winner at the thrift:

I brightened up the image a bit for easier viewing, hope the photographer doesn't mind! I LOVE the vintage feel of the fonts and the artwork, and the gold details. And of course the superfluous quotation marks (though I guess if they're trying to drive home the point that it really isn't trivia because it isn't trivial, they might not be. Though it's still kind of dopey.)

Big thanks for sending this one in!

Flair. FLAIR.

2010-09-07T10:01:00.002-04:00

I'm getting tired of flair. Except not. Because I love flair.

1. If you can't make it out, it's a photo of a baby gator riding on its parent with the caption "I'm in Christ. Hear me ROAR!" WTF? Just, wtf? How can a baby reptile be "in Christ?" What does this have to do with religion? Explain it to me; I just don't get it.

2. This is just awkwardly phrased and poorly made. Seriously, have some pride.

3. Slightly better, but also not great. Though I wouldn't consider Twilight on the same demonic level as Harry Potter - the author is Mormon, Edward won't fuck Bella before they get married, Rosalie is apparently pro-life (I don't know, I read the first two books, hated them and gave up on the series)...I dunno, I think Twilight would be Jesus-approved. In the sense that it's not evil, I mean. I don't think Jesus would read that crap.

4. Head. Fucking. Desk. Are people really this stupid? Really? Do they really think "global warming" means "the weather feels hotter?" Realllllly?

5. What the hell is going on here? I'm just...what?

6. A couple of pet peeves here. I hate people attributing quotations to God. God did not say that; YOU did. And do people really think that there won't be violence in schools as long as prayer is allowed? Nothing is that simple. And God's a pretty violent being if I remember my Old Testament.

7. Oh, come on now. Sports teams aren't false idols. Does God really disapprove of sports? I thought God loved us and wanted us to be happy.

8. This just brings up weird mental images. I don't see God as being quite so...hands-on.

9. So...wait, are you saying I'm a shitty person? Or are you saying that God will love us no matter how bad we suck? Because both of those things seem like a pretty depressing message. I mean, it's nice to think that God wouldn't hold fuckups against us, but if we're loved, forgiven, etc anyway, why be good? I don't mean going on a murderous rampage (unless they really deserve it), but it seems like it would make it a lot easier to sin on Saturday and ask for forgiveness on Sunday instead of defying temptation. But hey. Maybe I'm just a bad person.

10. Not much to say about this one; I just found it funny.

11. I still don't get why Jesus and God supposedly love America so damn much. Don't get me wrong; I like America. God knows I think we fuck up a lot, but we're founded on some decent principles. But it seems to be a common idea that we're a preferred country in God's eyes. I find it obnoxious. God bless America, fuck everyone else.

12. This looks like gay porn. Next.

13. It seems like they missed an opportunity to 'shop the Burger King into Jesus. But that would probably cross the line into sacrilege.

14. Trying a little too hard, but a nice effort.

15. A friend of mine refers to Christianity as a "death cult." This...kind of makes me see his point.

16. Now this is definitely too much of a stretch. Not everything has to be religified, and if you can't do it well, don't do it at all. Does anyone even still watch CSI? Is it still on?

17. I can't get enough Catholic Star Wars jokes.

18. Cute punchline, but the setup is awkward. I can imagine how hard it would be to make it work, but maybe that means it should've been left alone in the first place.

I'm starting to never want to look at flair again.

2010-09-06T12:19:00.003-04:00

1. Really? Your "experience" of believing in an invisible 2000-year-old dead carpenter is more credible than Darwin's well-crafted and much-studied scientific theory? I'm not an atheist, but shit like this annoys me. There is just no reason to dismiss evolution simply because you believe in God.

2. Do they pay people to sit around and think of these? If they do, I want in.

3. Heh. Cute, though slightly ominous. I never did like Heroes, though god knows I tried.

4. So do they still make YooHoo? Because I loved that stuff, but I never see it any more.

5. Again, my biggest annoyance - the idea that to not be extremely conservative is somehow anti-Christian. Makes me want to get one of those "Jesus was a liberal" bumper stickers, except I don't have a car.

6. This looks like a still out of a movie Joel and his robots would rip into for an hour and a half. I get that it's supposed to be Jesus looking down on the world (possibly weeping for us? I can't quite tell), but it's so freaking creepy and bizarre. You know, they should resurrect MST3K. There are a lot of shitty current movies. (I know about RiffTrax, but it's just not the same.)

7. Cute. Not only do the words match up (at least the first ones) they worked a song title in there. I hope whoever writes this stuff got paid extra for that.

8. That misplaced comma annoys me. I googled the Wonderbread logo to see if it was a design thing, but no, it's just someone's inability to use punctuation.

9. Every time I look at this I think he must be listening to Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

10. It's really hard to take seriously a message that's meant to be intimidating when it comes with a picture of toast. It really, really is.

11. Again, the "actually IN LOVE with Jesus" vibe rears its ugly head.

12. The cake, however, is.

13. Jesus is going to eat that baby.

14. Okay, "my" Jesus? I don't think Jesus belongs to one specific person. Otherwise Heaven would be awfully lonely. Also, it took me a minute to put my finger on what the design reminded me of. Then it hit me:

yes/no?

15. Dude, the guy died on the cross for your freaking sins. I'm not saying you owe him, exactly, but it might be nice if you gave him a little space sometimes. Even Jesus needs his "me" time.

16. I...find this really creepy. The concept of "Daddy's girl" always seems vaguely incestuous to me anyway.

17. I never would have thought of this one, but it seems so obvious in hindsight.

18. WHAT THE HELL?! GAH!

I return bearing flair.

2010-09-04T01:14:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I still exist. Just busy. But I have more flair!

#0: Sometimes the intentionally funny jokes are indeed the funniest. This cracks me up.

#1: I don't quite get what's supposed to be "just that easy" here. Accepting Jesus? Are they trying to imply that believing in Jesus makes life easier?

#2: I really hope this is on a dead-end street. Otherwise the accidents that would cause would end up sending a whole lot of people to Jesus a lot sooner than they'd anticipated.

#3: Oh yeah. Being a Christian makes you such a rebel. Isn't something like 33% of the world's population supposedly Christian? Religioustolerance.org backs me up and honestly, while I have no idea how trustworthy such sources are, or how such a thing can even be calculated...my point is, Christianity is pretty damn popular.

#4: Yeah, take a quick scan of the Westboro protest lines. Calling yourself a Christian doesn't take away ugliness, inside or out.

#5: So if people with cancer just pray really hard, they'll be all better? I find this offensive on a bunch of levels. I'm sure they mean it more as a "cure of the world's ills" message, but even that's pretty offensive considering how many people use Christianity as a reason to treat people like shit.

#6: The Duggar family shouts "Nike!" when a scantily clad female walks by so the boys all know to look at the floor so they won't be tempted to sin. I'm tempted to buy two dozen of these shirts and send them to Arkansas. (Though I think for the parents, the traditional "just do it" slogan is more appropriate.)

#7: So...what does that make the other two-thirds of adult males in the world? For that matter, what was Adam? He was created before Jesus...so he wasn't really the first man. What was he, then?

#8: Really? God doesn't have better things to do than be the middleman for peoples' relationships?

#9: I sincerely hope that this is a real church sign. I've seen some funny ones, but this one tickles me in a truly unique way.

#10: I know this is supposed to be an iPod, but every time I look at it I think it's a pregnancy test.

#11: We've already covered this concept. Christianity is not brave or rebellious.

#12: The phrasing and the placement of the cross make me feel like this is meant to comfort Christian men with small weiners. I can't think of another way to interpret it.

#13: Okay, I find this creepy. Like it's just one step away from that FAITH+1 song, "Wanna get down on my knees and start pleasin' Jesus, wanna feel His salvation all over my face."

#14: Man, they don't even try to keep these tie-in thingies up to date any more, do they?

#15: The person on the left looking like she's praying for constipation relief. Prayer works? That sentiment seems like it's leading into "Prayer works so, you know, no need to try to work for what you want." Prayer helps might be a better phrasing.

#16: Does this flair assume that the other person is a nonChristian? I can't tell if that's the innuendo, or if it's calling out people who claim to be Christians but don't really believe in it, those who were raised in the church and just assume they're taken care of, without even contemplating their beliefs. (And to answer their question, yes. Yes I do.)

#17: "Paying the tab" seems a pretty flippant way of describing it. It's not a play on words, particularly, so I can't think of a reason for phrasing it that way. It annoys me.

Time to get our flair on

2010-08-16T01:21:00.002-04:00

#1: Odd, but not much to say about it. Band-Aids seem like a weird way to invoke religious imagery.

#2: They missed an opportunity here. "Jesus transforms lives" or something like that; it'd be easy to caption!

#3: Cute idea, good execution, no complaints here.

#4: Not a bad idea, but the visuals aren't quite doing it for me. Why is the cross bleeding?

#5: A definite winner. I love the detail that went into this one.

#6: Remember that commercial? Yeah, I'm guessing no one does any more. But once again, people will religify anything and everything.

#7: Thinking outside the box on this one, I gotta give credit for that. Mountain Dew turned into the phrase "meant to die?" Impressive.

#8: Heh. I see what you did there.

#9: One of the classic parodies, and man, every time I see it, I want a peanut butter cup. Probably not the intended message.

#10: This one'd be cute for a kid's t-shirt.

#11: This one just depresses me. Why would you be proud of being bitter? And I'm pretty sure that Jesus never said anything about the right to bear arms. But, you know, it's been a while since I read that part.

#12: Well, yeah, he did that one time, but then he didn't have those holes in his feet! (It's a good thing I don't believe in Hell, because otherwise I'd be headed there so fast.)

#13: Uh...thanks? I'm not even sure what this is trying to reference; last I checked, gods are immortal. Any insights?

#14: I've seen this acronym before, and it's something else I just don't get. Like, I like frogs, but I'm not sure what on earth they have to do with religion. And weren't frogs one of the plagues on Egypt when God was uber-pissed? Why would you make that a symbol of your faith? Also, this flair is really badly executed.

#15: I get the riff on "In Jesus's name I pray," but...do people really consider themselves to be playing sports in the name of Jesus? It wouldn't entirely surprise me, what with people who thank the J-man for winning Grammy awards and stuff.

#16: Hate to break it to you, but religion isn't a superpower. What the fuck does that even mean?

#17: Cute concept. Could be a little less blurry.

#18: Stupid. If they had said the Bible was God's LiveJournal, that would have made sense. This makes none. Just because it has the word "book" in it doesn't make Facebook an actual book.

Iz not weerd. mommy sez I has flair.

2010-08-14T02:53:00.003-04:00

Wait, I'm not talking about that kind of flair. (Although I agree that that kitty has THAT kind of flair in spades. I want it!)

No, I'm talking about Facebook flair. For those of you not in the know, it's a little corkboard you can decorate with user-made "buttons" containing images. Like those little buttons you see on jackets, bags, what-have-you.

While Twilight and Justin Bieber seem to be the most popular flair subjects at the moment, one constant is religious flair; specifically, Christian flair. Most of it is run-of-the-mill uplifting statements about Jesus, but some of them are a bit more unusual. Maybe they're punny, maybe they're silly, maybe they're offensive, but they're all eye-catching. I've been compiling some of the ones I like the best to show you. Be warned, I plan on talking briefly about each bit of flair, I have a lot of it, and this will take some time to get through. If you don't like it, here's your money back.

Anyway, enough talking. Here's set number one:

I numbered them for our convenience, but I'm apparently too stupid to do so properly, so anticipate a lot of creativity with that.

#0 (see what I mean?): What interests me about this one is the use of the word "contagious," especially along with the "caution" and biohazard symbol. I'm guessing they're evangelists, or maybe they're just so darn delighted about their faith that they convert people just by being around them. Either way, it makes their religion seem rather like a disease. Some of you may find that apt, however unintentional it was on their part. I have no comment.

#1: This is the flair that started me collecting religious flair in the first place. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! I get the "coexist" thing - something I most emphatically agree with, though unlike most people I know, I actually include Muslims in there - "but never compromise Christ?" Does it mean "pretend to respect other faiths while silently believing they're going to Hell?" Because I hate to think that's the case, but that's about all I can get out of it.

#1.5: Salvation coupon. That's actually pretty cute. I've seen some tracts along those lines, and while they should never be used as tips for waitresses in place of cash (yes, people do that. Yes, it's extremely tacky and doesn't hide the fact that you're a cheap bastard.), I enjoy the creativity involved.

#2: We all know how much I love these product parody religious designs. I wish I could read the text above "Jesus Christ."

#3: Okay, pet peeve of mine: LEAVE RELIGION OUT OF POLITICS. Although I get the idea (the people who oppose socialize health care tend to be conservative, who are considered to be more all-around conservative, including their religion), no one should be voting on what the Bible says. It's a book that's been translated a bunch of times and heavily edited, and written by the hand of man. It's a holy book, but it's still a book. Think for your damn selves, people! *puts soapbox away for the moment*

#4: I find it hard to believe that Jesus would use MySpace. Does ANYONE still use MySpace?

#5: I have an easier time believing that Jesus would use Facebook.

#6: Do they still run those Target ads? While I agree that prayer is easy, it's probably going to be more effective to get off your ass and do something. Less easy, but faster, more reliable results.

#7: I've seen this on so many church billboard thingies. It wasn't funny the first time, and it's still not funny. Blurry text on clashing backgrounds? Not helping its case.

#8: I think they ran their point into the ground a little bit there. The repetition with the homophones is...eh. I get the idea, but not a fan of this one. Also, the verse printed looks like John 11:27, which Google (my Bible is upstairs...I know sloth is a deadly sin but I just don't want to go all the way there to get it...) says reads
"Yes, Lord," she told him, "I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world." Which seems like a weird choice to prove the point of the statement. It's possible I'm misreading it, though. Any ideas?

#9: More brand parodies. Love it. A little ambiguous, though, I'm surprised they didn't stick a cross in the place of one of the arrows.

#10: This one just baffles me, and is the flair that inspired me to post my collection 'o flair here. It's ultra-popular and I see it all the time, but...why? Why is a pissed-off Tweety Bird talking to Satan? What does Tweety have to do with Christianity? The sheer randomness of it just boggles my mind.

#11: Show of hands, who's making a Jesus Mii the next time they sit down to play? I know I am.

#12: My friend worked at a Bible camp for many summers, and the camp store had various t-shirts. There was one with a similar logo (though it said Jesus is my Savior, so I am a Survivor! on it), back in the time Survivor was new and, you know, relevant. Which I'm going to guess is...2000? Ish? I still have a photo of a kid wearing it. (She used to send me pics from camp from time to time so I could put faces with who she was talking about. And I never throw anything out, ever.) I should scan it for the site.

#13: I'm pretty sure God wouldn't need a nametag. Unless God really is one of us. Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus...and now that's gonna be in my head all night. Fantastic.

#14: Can't you just hear that Jesus emitting a Fonzie-esque "Ayyyyy!"? I sure can. And it's hilarious.

#15: Sweet, simple and to the point. I have a pencil stamped with this logo, except white on black. I have a lot of religious writing supplies...I'll be featuring them eventually. I just got one with the beatitudes on it, but there are bees on it, and it says BEE-ATTITUDES! (I'm kind of a geek. I know.)

#16: A better version of #5. It's really too bad flair has to be so tiny; clearly a lot of work went into some of these.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed these. There are nine more coming, possibly more depending on how many more I find between now and then. I don't really seek them, they just turn up in the "newly popular" and "most popular" sections regularly.

I love a good visual pun.

2010-08-12T23:07:00.000-04:00

Jesus is coming! Quick, look busy!

2010-08-07T00:05:00.001-04:00

It was great of him to let us know ahead of time. I'll make sure to clear my calendar.

In keeping with the spirit of yesterday's post

2010-08-06T18:47:00.000-04:00

Let the crossovers continue.

Apparently there are such things as clown ministries. And it's, like, a common thing. I DO NOT LIKE THIS ONE BIT.

A pair of firsts.

2010-08-04T19:31:00.001-04:00

1. Our first-ever video post!

2. Our first-ever crossover post!

And why is that?

Because, folks, this is a video of a scary clown puppet who is sad but feels happy after he accepts Jesus into his heart. Ever feel like you have proof that God thinks you as an individual are really, really awesome? I can't think of any other explanation for why a scary religious clown might exist. And to add an extra level, this "Gary" kid looks a lot like my friend's son. Except my friend's son would never talk to a clown about Jesus. James is way too cool for that.

Enjoy. And a mega-thanks to Lindsay for finding this!

Christ Dance Revolution

2010-07-28T06:52:00.002-04:00

It's a singing Mother Teresa doll. It speaks for itself.

2010-07-22T03:15:00.001-04:00

I mean, what can you say about it? (Aside from not seeing anything close to a resemblance...and no, I don't know what music it plays.)

Need a hand?

2010-07-21T01:36:00.001-04:00

I've got two for ya. *shudder*

But does he know why kids like Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2010-07-18T20:53:00.000-04:00

Poor Jesus looks like something out of Planet of the Apes, the terrible remake version. And why, after seeing how the first one turned out, did thesecond guy go back for round two?!

I blame the liberal media.

2010-07-17T07:08:00.001-04:00

Shake your groove thang.

2010-07-16T17:51:00.001-04:00

Can you believe I got this for a dollar, NEW?!

Send down the fire of your justice

2010-07-15T07:00:00.001-04:00

Then bottle it as a sauce:

I seriously wish I could tolerate food with even the faintest hint of heat, because I love this bottle so much.

Did you ever see that episode of Family Guy...

2010-07-11T02:27:00.002-04:00

...where Peter becomes obsessed with the song "Surfing Bird" and drives the family nuts, so they destroy his record and he tries to buy a CD from a guy at a music shop and it turns out that the guy working there is Jesus and we find out that he comes back every 1000 years or so just to see how things are going, get out of the house a little?

Apparently that was based on fact. He's ba-ack! And still in customer service, apparently.

Tragedy.

2010-07-10T00:33:00.000-04:00

He's decorating God's highway now.

Your guess is as good as mine.

2010-07-07T08:25:00.001-04:00

I have no idea what this is or what it means, but damn it I'm having fun guessing.

2010-07-06T00:47:00.001-04:00

I found these at a local dollar store and got them for a friend of mine - a Lutheran minister - for Christmas a couple of years ago. They were well-received.

Maybe too well-received, because now every year she gets Jesus kitsch from me. So far I've had no complaints!

Yeah, I still exist. This blog hasn't been...Left Behind.

2010-07-04T18:17:00.000-04:00

First of all, apologies to both of my readers: I haven't been able to sit down and do anything internet-related in a couple of weeks.

One thing I did get done in my recent days, between bouts of insane busyness, was plow through Left Behind, which I'm pretty sure is, like, Twilight for religious people. It was sexist, it was condescending to non-Christians and the writing was terrible. But I'll probably read the rest of them. What can I say? I like a good apocalypse.

I learned something else that piqued my interest: the series has been given the Muppet Babies treatment. There's a series called Left Behind: The Kids. I was under the impression that those under the age of adulthood were automatically raptured with the Godly adults, but it's entirely possible that I'm wrong.

I didn't take these pictures, can't remember who did.

I'm really way more interested in starting this series than I am in slogging through the rest of the original recipe series. It seems like it would have double the unintentional hilarity - the people writing the first book couldn't write adults' dialogue; I can't begin to imagine how they would write teenagers.

Also, I'm willing to bet money that Lionel turns out to be the token black kid.

Yo ho, yo ho, a Christian life for me!

2010-06-20T03:40:00.001-04:00

I don't believe for a minute that a kid actually drew this, but it's still pretty damn funny.

Is it made of guano?

2010-06-17T10:26:00.001-04:00

Seriously, is it? And they want two dollars for it?? I think I've finally found a Jesus even I don't want to own.

Say Bloody Jesus three times and he appears in the mirror.

2010-06-16T09:30:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure you'd go to hell for this.

2010-06-14T00:47:00.000-04:00

As someone who was raised theoretically Catholic (dad was an atheist, mom was really too liberal to be considered Catholic, but it was the closest you could get to a definition), I feel comfortable saying that most Catholics don't have this much of a sense of humor:

I'm pretty sure a nun would have beaten me with them.

I assure you, this is relevant.

2010-06-08T23:18:00.000-04:00

The full title is Victory of the Warrior King: The Story of the Life of Jesus.

Think about that for a sec, than look at the cover.

...yep. A little more summer reading for ya.

Who ya gonna call?

2010-06-08T05:00:00.000-04:00

A little fanart for y'all today.

A little summer reading.

2010-06-07T22:48:00.001-04:00

I've read the summary about a dozen times and I still can't figure out what the hell the book is supposed to be about.

I'm gonna file this one under "too cute to eat."

2010-06-07T00:40:00.002-04:00

christening cake!

Okay, I admit that I really think the sheep look like gorillas in sheep costumes, but it's still really freaking adorable.