Saturday, September 25, 2010

Tickled pink.

Keeping this brief because, as I said on the clown blog, I burned myself microwaving lunch (yes, it's possible) and typing is no fun right now. So this one will be short.

Yes, that's a bellybutton ring. Class-ay.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Pray the gay away

Sooooo. Yeah. There's no delicate way to put this. These books piss me right the fuck off. (Yet part of me really, really wants to read them.)

(Or as I like to call it, Homo No Mo'.)

Because nothing says "hetero" like two guys struggling to hold hands.

Because everyone wants you butting in on their fucking business. I'm pretty sure I'd be filing a restraining order against anyone who came to my door trying to heal me of gay.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Beautiful christening cake.

Usually I post weird or funny things, but once in a while something truly beautiful pops up. I can't imagine eating this; it's too pretty! And it's all done by hand!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Ye are the falt of the earth and fainted.

I haven't the energy to go through another rack of flair, so I present to you macaroni art Jesus:

For those of you who don't recognize it, it's a still from an episode of The Vicar of Dibley,which is a friggin' brilliant show I highly recommend all three of you check out if you're not already familiar with it.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A break from your regularly scheduled flair.

I've been sitting on this one for almost a month, because, you know, real life, and then the flair bender, but it's too good to keep waiting in the wings. A big thanks to sender-inner Shannon for spotting this winner at the thrift:

I brightened up the image a bit for easier viewing, hope the photographer doesn't mind! I LOVE the vintage feel of the fonts and the artwork, and the gold details. And of course the superfluous quotation marks (though I guess if they're trying to drive home the point that it really isn't trivia because it isn't trivial, they might not be. Though it's still kind of dopey.)

Big thanks for sending this one in!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Flair. FLAIR.

I'm getting tired of flair. Except not. Because I love flair.

1. If you can't make it out, it's a photo of a baby gator riding on its parent with the caption "I'm in Christ. Hear me ROAR!" WTF? Just, wtf? How can a baby reptile be "in Christ?" What does this have to do with religion? Explain it to me; I just don't get it.

2. This is just awkwardly phrased and poorly made. Seriously, have some pride.

3. Slightly better, but also not great. Though I wouldn't consider Twilight on the same demonic level as Harry Potter - the author is Mormon, Edward won't fuck Bella before they get married, Rosalie is apparently pro-life (I don't know, I read the first two books, hated them and gave up on the series)...I dunno, I think Twilight would be Jesus-approved. In the sense that it's not evil, I mean. I don't think Jesus would read that crap.

4. Head. Fucking. Desk. Are people really this stupid? Really? Do they really think "global warming" means "the weather feels hotter?" Realllllly?

5. What the hell is going on here? I'm just...what?

6. A couple of pet peeves here. I hate people attributing quotations to God. God did not say that; YOU did. And do people really think that there won't be violence in schools as long as prayer is allowed? Nothing is that simple. And God's a pretty violent being if I remember my Old Testament.

7. Oh, come on now. Sports teams aren't false idols. Does God really disapprove of sports? I thought God loved us and wanted us to be happy.

8. This just brings up weird mental images. I don't see God as being quite so...hands-on.

9. So...wait, are you saying I'm a shitty person? Or are you saying that God will love us no matter how bad we suck? Because both of those things seem like a pretty depressing message. I mean, it's nice to think that God wouldn't hold fuckups against us, but if we're loved, forgiven, etc anyway, why be good? I don't mean going on a murderous rampage (unless they really deserve it), but it seems like it would make it a lot easier to sin on Saturday and ask for forgiveness on Sunday instead of defying temptation. But hey. Maybe I'm just a bad person.

10. Not much to say about this one; I just found it funny.

11. I still don't get why Jesus and God supposedly love America so damn much. Don't get me wrong; I like America. God knows I think we fuck up a lot, but we're founded on some decent principles. But it seems to be a common idea that we're a preferred country in God's eyes. I find it obnoxious. God bless America, fuck everyone else.

12. This looks like gay porn. Next.

13. It seems like they missed an opportunity to 'shop the Burger King into Jesus. But that would probably cross the line into sacrilege.

14. Trying a little too hard, but a nice effort.

15. A friend of mine refers to Christianity as a "death cult." This...kind of makes me see his point.

16. Now this is definitely too much of a stretch. Not everything has to be religified, and if you can't do it well, don't do it at all. Does anyone even still watch CSI? Is it still on?

17. I can't get enough Catholic Star Wars jokes.

18. Cute punchline, but the setup is awkward. I can imagine how hard it would be to make it work, but maybe that means it should've been left alone in the first place.

Monday, September 6, 2010

I'm starting to never want to look at flair again.

1. Really? Your "experience" of believing in an invisible 2000-year-old dead carpenter is more credible than Darwin's well-crafted and much-studied scientific theory? I'm not an atheist, but shit like this annoys me. There is just no reason to dismiss evolution simply because you believe in God.

2. Do they pay people to sit around and think of these? If they do, I want in.

3. Heh. Cute, though slightly ominous. I never did like Heroes, though god knows I tried.

4. So do they still make YooHoo? Because I loved that stuff, but I never see it any more.

5. Again, my biggest annoyance - the idea that to not be extremely conservative is somehow anti-Christian. Makes me want to get one of those "Jesus was a liberal" bumper stickers, except I don't have a car.

6. This looks like a still out of a movie Joel and his robots would rip into for an hour and a half. I get that it's supposed to be Jesus looking down on the world (possibly weeping for us? I can't quite tell), but it's so freaking creepy and bizarre. You know, they should resurrect MST3K. There are a lot of shitty current movies. (I know about RiffTrax, but it's just not the same.)

7. Cute. Not only do the words match up (at least the first ones) they worked a song title in there. I hope whoever writes this stuff got paid extra for that.

8. That misplaced comma annoys me. I googled the Wonderbread logo to see if it was a design thing, but no, it's just someone's inability to use punctuation.

9. Every time I look at this I think he must be listening to Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

10. It's really hard to take seriously a message that's meant to be intimidating when it comes with a picture of toast. It really, really is.

11. Again, the "actually IN LOVE with Jesus" vibe rears its ugly head.

12. The cake, however, is.

13. Jesus is going to eat that baby.

14. Okay, "my" Jesus? I don't think Jesus belongs to one specific person. Otherwise Heaven would be awfully lonely. Also, it took me a minute to put my finger on what the design reminded me of. Then it hit me:


15. Dude, the guy died on the cross for your freaking sins. I'm not saying you owe him, exactly, but it might be nice if you gave him a little space sometimes. Even Jesus needs his "me" time.

16. I...find this really creepy. The concept of "Daddy's girl" always seems vaguely incestuous to me anyway.

17. I never would have thought of this one, but it seems so obvious in hindsight.


Saturday, September 4, 2010

I return bearing flair.

Yeah, I still exist. Just busy. But I have more flair!

#0: Sometimes the intentionally funny jokes are indeed the funniest. This cracks me up.

#1: I don't quite get what's supposed to be "just that easy" here. Accepting Jesus? Are they trying to imply that believing in Jesus makes life easier?

#2: I really hope this is on a dead-end street. Otherwise the accidents that would cause would end up sending a whole lot of people to Jesus a lot sooner than they'd anticipated.

#3: Oh yeah. Being a Christian makes you such a rebel. Isn't something like 33% of the world's population supposedly Christian? backs me up and honestly, while I have no idea how trustworthy such sources are, or how such a thing can even be point is, Christianity is pretty damn popular.

#4: Yeah, take a quick scan of the Westboro protest lines. Calling yourself a Christian doesn't take away ugliness, inside or out.

#5: So if people with cancer just pray really hard, they'll be all better? I find this offensive on a bunch of levels. I'm sure they mean it more as a "cure of the world's ills" message, but even that's pretty offensive considering how many people use Christianity as a reason to treat people like shit.

#6: The Duggar family shouts "Nike!" when a scantily clad female walks by so the boys all know to look at the floor so they won't be tempted to sin. I'm tempted to buy two dozen of these shirts and send them to Arkansas. (Though I think for the parents, the traditional "just do it" slogan is more appropriate.)

#7: So...what does that make the other two-thirds of adult males in the world? For that matter, what was Adam? He was created before he wasn't really the first man. What was he, then?

#8: Really? God doesn't have better things to do than be the middleman for peoples' relationships?

#9: I sincerely hope that this is a real church sign. I've seen some funny ones, but this one tickles me in a truly unique way.

#10: I know this is supposed to be an iPod, but every time I look at it I think it's a pregnancy test.

#11: We've already covered this concept. Christianity is not brave or rebellious.

#12: The phrasing and the placement of the cross make me feel like this is meant to comfort Christian men with small weiners. I can't think of another way to interpret it.

#13: Okay, I find this creepy. Like it's just one step away from that FAITH+1 song, "Wanna get down on my knees and start pleasin' Jesus, wanna feel His salvation all over my face."

#14: Man, they don't even try to keep these tie-in thingies up to date any more, do they?

#15: The person on the left looking like she's praying for constipation relief. Prayer works? That sentiment seems like it's leading into "Prayer works so, you know, no need to try to work for what you want." Prayer helps might be a better phrasing.

#16: Does this flair assume that the other person is a nonChristian? I can't tell if that's the innuendo, or if it's calling out people who claim to be Christians but don't really believe in it, those who were raised in the church and just assume they're taken care of, without even contemplating their beliefs. (And to answer their question, yes. Yes I do.)

#17: "Paying the tab" seems a pretty flippant way of describing it. It's not a play on words, particularly, so I can't think of a reason for phrasing it that way. It annoys me.